There are so many pop and country songs about the interstitial period in relationships

I listen to a lot of country music, and one of my favorite songs of this year was the Brothers Osborne's Stay A Little Longer, which is about two people who aren't really together, and who're maybe even on the verge of splitting permanently, but who keep hooking up.

(Of special note, it's kind of a blink-and-you'll-miss-it thing, but there's a gay couple at 1:35, and later in the video they kiss.)

There are a lot of country songs with this theme. Off the top of my head, I can think of Lady Antebellum's "Lie With Me", Jake Owen's "Alone With You" and Chris Young's "I'm Coming Over."

It's an interesting thing. I used to think the non-relationship was a college staple. You're sleeping with some guy, or some girl, and neither of you really knows what it is, and maybe you'd want it to be a little bit more, but somehow your relationship, despite its emotional intimacy, doesn't have the room for that discussion, but obviously the non-relationship is a thing that's continued well into adulthood. This is all reminding me of the saddest article I've ever read, which was this VICE article on roommates who started sleeping together. 

How long did it go on for, and when did things go wrong?
The sexual side must have gone on for about seven months. I reckon things went wrong when we started making our own friends from work and stuff. I weirdly started getting quite jealous when she talked about her guy friends, especially when we would both go for drinks after work separately. But I never said anything because again it wasn't official. So after a while the sex just stopped, and we reverted back to two individuals who shared a kitchen and bathroom and that was about it. Not that long after, she awkwardly hinted that she was going out on a 'date,' with someone from work. And that was it, really.

I read that and I was just horrified. I was like, is this what life is like? You have sex with someone for seven months. You live with them. And you still can't talk about whether you guys were every, in any sense, actually together?

Not sure where I'm going with this. It's not a thing that I, personally, have much experience with, but it does put some of my dating experiences into a new light. For instance, I used to be put off when I'd go out with someone and they'd be like, "Yeah, let's hang out again" or "It was good hanging out with you," and I'd be left thinking, err, what? But we kissed. To me kissing is what separates hanging out from going out. But these are obviously not the definitions that many Americans are playing with.

It wasn’t nearly as difficult to switch orientations as I thought it’d be

Bisexual-Awareness-or-Queer-Awareness-Week-bisexual-flag-1029×688Until twenty-four, I identified as straight and dated nobody.

From twenty-four to twenty-eight, I identified as gay, and dated only men.

Now I identify as bisexual, and I've been dating a woman for six months.

I'll leave aside the mental struggle that underlay these switches in stated orientation, since I'm not really prepared to talk about that. But what I will say, for those who're thinking about coming out as gay or as bisexual, that in my case neither of these comings-out was nearly as bad as I imagined it would be.

Beforehand, I never thought I'd be pariah or an object of hatred. Nor did I think my family would reject me. But I did think that there'd be some ridicule and some awkwardness. But there's really been none. In all cases, it was as simple as telling people that my identification had changed, and that was that.

I know that there's been some gossip about these changes when I haven't been around, but you know what? That really doesn't bother me at all. As long as I don't hear it or know about it, gossip is actually good, since it means I don't need to have nearly as many coming-out conversations.

When you're an adult, and particularly when you're thirty(!) people will mostly take you as you present yourself to them. You can be whatever you want, and people (at least in the milieu's that I've inhabited) will more or less be like, "Okay, sounds good."

Given this experience, I regret all the fuss and worry on my part, since there was really no need for any of it. In both cases, my comings-out were accomplished within the course of a few weeks, and then they were pretty much done. It's impossible for me to overstate how much of a non-event this all was.

Most of you are probably like, "Duh, why would it be an issue?" But I have so many friends who are curious about sleeping with people of the same sex, but they're afraid of moving too quickly. Before they identify as gay or bisexual, they want to be sure. But it's that very lack of public identification which makes it so difficult to find someone and have sex with them, so that you can finally be sure. If you're not out as someone who's attracted to people of the same sex (or, in my case, to people of the opposite sex) then you're really restricted in the ways that you can search for someone to be with. If you want to have sex with men, it's a little easier, since there are various ways to casually pick up a guy. But if you're looking to have sex with women, you've got to put in a fair amount of work, and it's hard to do that if you're not out as someone who's attracted to women.

I guess what I'm saying is that when you're sitting alone with these feelings, then it's easy to think there's a penalty for not being sure. But, in my experience, there's not. You can say one thing, and then four years later you can change your mind, and it's totally fine.

Dating, of course, is something different. I could write reams on the difference between trying to date men and trying to date women, but that's not what this post is about.