Been going to a lot of new places here and seeing lots of new people. And every single time I have some event that I want to go to, I find myself lying in bed about an hour beforehand and saying to myself, “I am really tired. Maybe I won’t go today. I’ll feel better by the time the next one rolls around.”
And I believe it. I really do believe that the next time will somehow be different, and that I’ll be fresh and energetic and really ready to get out there. But, for whatever reason, I end up forcing myself to go out anyway. And oftentimes it’s fairly good (not always, but that is life).
But it was only today that I realized that I have this same thought process literally every single time. I have never once, since arriving here, found myself feeling even neutral towards an event. It’s always been an active desire to not go.
Which is weird for me, since that’s not normally how I feel about social events. It’s true that I rarely get excited about social events. But normally they’re not a big deal. I go because I know I’ll enjoy going. And I don’t have to force myself to go. It’s just that I’m not very forward-thinking, and I’m not very good at knowing what I’ll like. For instance, I don’t think I’ve ever actually looked forward to taking a trip.
However, this active desire to stay in is something new.
I think the obvious answer is the right one: I’ve never in my life been so dislocated. Previously, I always had some connection to the places that I went, usually through friends who I knew would be there. Here it’s not like that. Every time I go somewhere, I am alone. Furthermore, no one expects me to be anywhere, so there’s no forward motion in my life. Things don’t just happen, and inertia sets in.
Which is not to say that any of this is bad or particularly unpleasant. I think that these are aspects of myself that’ve always been at play. Until now, they’ve just been covered up by other forces (work, college friendships, graduate school) that provided a certain shape to my social life. Right now, I’m being forced to add that shape on my own. And I’m sure that in the long run it’ll prove to be a valuable experience
On a sidenote, my writing is going much better than yesterday! It’ll probably collapse again tomorrow, but for today it’s good.